“Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love.” ~Terri Guillemets
Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love. ~Terri Guillemets
Our family is undergoing grief for the loss of our cousin. Our moms were only sisters so you could see how close we were. We lived just across each other. We were “primos hermanos” and yes we were raised by our parents like siblings. Through the years, we were all together until we all grew up and needed to live our own separate lives. We saw each other during family occasions. Now that he’s gone, it’s like I loss a brother. I have never been emotionally open towards my feelings except when I wanted to express my sound opinion to others. Now I feel there is a gaping hole that I know time will heal the pain once again.
I felt this when my Dad passed away when I was in my teens. Our family experienced hardships and my dads friends dwindled. Only very few relatives helped us but as one we made it through . Through each other, we found strength. My grandma passed away, then my sister and my brother after my mom. My mother’s passing left a biggest hole in my heart. As I grew older, my mother was no longer a disciplinarian but a confidant and a friend. Me and youngest sister enjoyed her friendship and felt lost with our loss.
A loss of a loved one is a strong feeling that leaves a big space inside us that can never be filled up. Grieving is natural and it is a process. There are very practical ways to go through this. Here are some points that can be used to survive a loss of a loved one and find healing in the process.
1. Acceptance of the loss
Losing someone we love is hard enough. Accepting that fact is harder. Accepting loss is living in the now. Acknowledgment of ill-feelings towards the loss is the first step in the grieving process. Don’t live in denial.
In Sarah Horth’s article, “How to accept your loss: a process to help you,” she mentioned:
Similar to how forgiveness is not saying that the wrong thing never happened – when forgiving you have to acknowledge that it really hurt, but you are also able to let go. So acknowledge that what is happening right now is not your first choice for how you wanted things to work out.
2. Don’t self-blame
If we have accepted and acknowledged, we should not find be pointing the guilty finger towards our self. We may not like what happened but it is not fair to you to burden yourself. Don’t make yourself a victim of circumstances either. Don’t fuel the sad feeling of loss with a stronger emotion like anger. This negative emotions will consume us and it is not fair to our self.
3. Talk about your loss
It is emotionally healthy to talk about our feelings. It is also therapeutic to acknowledge that we are very sad about our loss. In doing this, we should also keep in mind that talking about this is a process. There is no need to shut yourself away from people. Find someone you can trust and share your thoughts and feelings. But don’t go on like digging the past and reliving the painful memories. There is no point to bringing up forgiven and forgotten issues. Going back to the sad feeling of loss makes us go back to where we have started and stunts progress of the healing process.
4. Celebrate memories
Honoring the person uplifts us. Talking about the good things the person has done creates positive feelings. Celebrate the great person the person was. There is no need to bring up stories of sadness and tragedy. It gives feeling of unity and belonging when we hear the good things our loved ones have done from other people’s anecdotes and stories.
5. Find support system
During this time, our smallest network of support is our family. As mentioned earlier, do not shut yourself away. You do not have the monopoly of the loss. You all have the same person you lost. Everyone grieves in different ways.
Let not depression decide your fate. Extreme sadness makes us think and decide irrationally. In some cases, some people create major life decisions when they are depressed. The real feelings are camouflaged by the fact that their depression was a result of a loss of a loved one. We see all gray areas when we are depressed. We don’t see the real color of things. Everything is masked in sadness, anger and helplessness.
Talk to your family or friends about your feelings. If you can not help feeling depressed, seek counseling or coaching.
6. Practice self stewardship
When nowadays self-care has been accused of being a justified way of being selfish, in reality it is not. Stewardship is defined as the activity or job of protecting and being responsible for something by Merriam-Webster. When we are stewards of the creations here on Earth, shouldn’t we have stewardship towards ourselves. We have to do the job beyond self-care but responsibly protect our self from something. If we protect ourselves from physical harm and danger, shouldn’t we be protecting emotions and spirit as well?
In Dr. Beverly Weinhold’s article entitled Self-Care isn’t selfishness, It’s Stewardship, she mentioned, “Self-care doesn’t mean that we’re self-centered, isolating, uncaring or over-indulgent.” She also added, the habits of self-care which are very practical for everyone. Meaning, we have to consider ourselves first before we help others. We cannot give what we don’t have. We have to equip ourselves with necessary things to extend ourself to another.
Emotional healing takes time
As we have gone through the ways to survive a loss, we have to remember that healing takes time. It is not an instant solution that when you have talked about it or done something for the memory of your loved one, things are better. It’s not always the case.
Like in physical healing, there is also a process in emotional healing. It is essential that we face the reality of what happened. Next, we have to acknowledge why we feel the pain. It is not merely stating that we lost someone but why does it affect us so much? Lastly, we have to assume accountability of our feelings. You will never set yourself free from emotional baggage of blaming others.
The key to healing is within you. Free yourself from worries. Find joy in everything you do. Stay positive and be grateful for the beautiful world around you. Find comfort from your loved ones. Keep your faith. Believe that in God everything is possible.
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